You’re Not Listening- And Honestly, Neither Am I: The Lost Art of Presence in a World That Won’t Shut Up

Let’s be real- how often are you actually present with someone?

Not just physically in the room, half-nodding while calculating how many hours of sleep you got last night or mentally running through your day… I mean truly there. Listening. Engaged. Eye contact that says I see you, not I’m trying to figure out if I defrosted the chicken or returned that email.

If that question makes you squirm a little, you’re not alone. We live in a world where distraction is king, stress is the default setting, and eye contact often feels more intimate than sex. So, it’s no wonder we’re struggling to really connect with each other- and honestly, with ourselves.

But here’s the truth: Presence isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s a core relational skill. It’s a nervous system regulator. It’s foundational to connection, trust, and emotional safety. And, in today’s world, it’s something many of us are still learning how to practice.

What Happens When We Don’t Feel Seen

You more than likely know the feeling.

You’re talking to someone and they’re scrolling their phone. You share something personal and they respond with, “Oh yeah, that happened to me too…” You share something personal and they move on to the next topic quicker than a squirrel spotting a snack- and boom—the conversation has been hijacked. You’re now a supporting actor in The Story of Them.

It seems small, but it lands hard.

And over time? You might stop trying. You will probably stop sharing the real stuff, the hard stuff. You’ll begin to carry your grief and your joy alone, even when you’re sitting right next to someone. And what a terrible thing to experience: feeling invisible with people you care about.

But most of the time, it’s not that they don’t care. People aren’t generally out here trying to wound each other-they’re just distracted. Dysregulated. Stuck in their own heads, their own to-do lists, their own unresolved stuff.

That’s where compassion helps.
And boundaries… let’s not forget those.

Because you are allowed to want to be seen. You are allowed to say, “I need more than this distracted version of you.” And you are also allowed to lovingly call someone out when their attention span is shorter than a TikTok video.

When You’re the One Who Feels Disconnected

Let’s flip the mirror, though. Because it’s not always about them.

Sometimes we’re the ones who can’t stay present. Maybe you’re exhausted, overstimulated, or one meltdown away from hiding in the pantry with a sleeve of Oreos and a weighted blanket.

Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’ve gone numb. We’re so used to survival mode that presence feels… weird. Like wearing jeans after months of leggings. Restrictive. Unfamiliar. Slightly itchy.

If this is you.breathe. You’re not broken. You’re just disconnected. And guess what? That’s fixable.

Start small:

• Place your hand on your chest for ten seconds and just notice your heartbeat.

• Make eye contact with your child, friend, colleague, partner when they speak. Take in their expressions, not just their words.

• Tell yourself, “You’re doing enough. You are enough.” Yes, out loud. In front of a mirror. Yes, it will feel cheesy. Say it anyway.

Presence isn’t about perfection. It’s about practice.

It’s about returning—again and again—to yourself, and then to others. Because you can’t give what you don’t have. And if your nervous system is fried, your ability to connect will be, too.

Mindful Connection in Real Life: A Quick Check-In

Ever been on a date or dinner with a friend where someone actually listened to you?

Not the polite “uh-huh”s, but the kind where they asked a follow-up question? Where they didn’t just wait for their turn to speak? Felt good, right? That moment of being seen (really seen) can be more healing than a thousand therapy sessions (I’m apparently trying to put myself out of a career?!)

This give and take, mutal ebb and flow- it goes both ways. When we slow down enough to really notice someone- the tone of their laugh, the way their eyes light up when they talk about something they love, the subtle shift in posture when they’re nervous- we say, without words: You matter. I’m here.

That’s presence.
That’s connection.
That’s the foundation of relationships that endure.

And honestly, I believe it’s the kind of connection that can help heal our world.

Closing Thoughts: Be the Eye Contact in a World of Blue Light

We are all so starved for presence and don’t even know it. We settle for shallow interactions, transactional conversations, and half-hearted “How are you’s?” that nobody really answers and if they do, they don’t tell the truth about how they are doing anyway.

But presence? It’s available right now. It doesn’t require a retreat in Bali or a complete digital detox (though both sound appealing, personally). It just requires attention.

Look up.
Pause.
Ask the follow-up question.
Put the phone down.
Really listen.
Really see.

Because if someone ever made you feel deeply seen, you remember it.
So be that person—for someone else.

And just as importantly, be that person for you.