Held and Heard: How 20-Second Hugs and 6-Second Kisses Calm the Anxious Brain

Anxiety isn’t always loud.

Sometimes, it’s the way your body tenses before your feet hit the floor in the morning. It’s the shallow breath you don’t even realize you’re taking, the tight chest, the irritability that snaps too quickly at your child, partner, or waitress at dinner. It’s the invisible weight of just trying to hold it all together.

One of the most frustrating parts is that you can know that you’re safe. You can know there’s no immediate threat. But, unfortuantely, your nervous system doesn’t always get the memo. It responds based on history, not logic. And when your history includes trauma, stress, abandonment, or just years of feeling unseen or overextended- your nervous system becomes wired for survival. Hypervigilance. Shut down. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

Healing? Well, that’s one of the most beautiful parts. And it comes in surprising forms.

Let’s talk about a hug that lasts 20 seconds. Or a kiss that lingers for six.

"A lot of times, that reunion is a non-event," Gottman says. "People don't make a big deal about it, but if they ritualize either a 20-second hug or a 6-second kiss or both, then right away, physiologically everything softens and they feel like they're home and they feel safe."

The Science of Being Held:

When we hug someone for at least 20 seconds, or kiss for a mindful 6, something subtle but profound starts to shift in our body. Our breath slows. Our muscles soften. And our brain releases oxytocin, that powerful hormone sometimes called the "love hormone" or the "bonding hormone."

Oxytocin isn’t just about feeling close to someone, it’s also a chemical messenger of safety. It lowers cortisol, our main stress hormone. It soothes the amygdala, the part of the brain that’s constantly scanning for danger. And it activates the Vagus Nerve, the very core of our parasympathetic nervous system- the one responsible for telling our body: You’re safe now. You can rest.

This is why those specific, intentional moments of connection can feel so healing.

They aren’t just sweet—they’re regulating.

They are somatic anchors in a world that is often too chaotic, too harsh, and too much.

Intimacy That Heals:

I first came across the 20-second hug and 6-second kiss practice through The Gottman Institute, an evidence-based relationship research hub. (please check out the Gottman’s work, its incredible). They recommend it for couples as a daily ritual. A minimum of one hug. One kiss. No rushing: A pause. A breath. A connection.

These acts, done with intention, deepen trust.
They say: I’m here. I see you. I’m not going anywhere.

But what if you're not in a relationship? What if you're healing from one? Or longing for one? Or single for reasons that are layered and personal?

Hugging Yourself Counts, too:

Before my son, I didn’t always have someone to hug like that. No partner to wrap his arms around me at the end of a long day. No kiss that helped me remember my softness.

What I did have, though, was my own body, and eventually, the realization that it deserved tenderness too.

I started practicing self-holds or self-hugs. Crossing my arms and gently pressing my hands into my shoulders. Breathing deep into my belly and whispering, “You’re okay. I’ve got you, Lindsay”

At first, it felt awkward. But over time, this practice (coupled with other tools) started to work.

My nervous system responded to intentional touch, even from myself. Because the body doesn't care who is doing the holding. It just needs to feel held. You, yes you, deserve to be held.

Try This:

Whether you're partnered or not, give this technique a try:

• Give someone you love (or yourself) a 20-second hug. Count it out. Breathe while you do it. Let your body rest into your own arms, your friends, or your partners. Just be present.

• If you’re in a relationship, share a 6-second kiss: not rushed, just present, close, and connected.

• If you’re not, place your hands on your chest (I often put my hands on my heart), or hug a pillow or a weighted blanket, and let the moment be tender. I often visualize myself as a child. Again, gently saying out loud, “you’re okay sweet girl” or whatever feels right for you.

These tiny rituals- hugging, kissing, breathing- aren’t luxuries, they are medicine.

They remind the anxious body:
You are not alone. You are safe. You are loved.

And you are sweet human, you are loved more than you know.